What is Differentiation?
Differentiation is likely a new concept and word for most of you. The foundations of this concept began with Murray Bowen and were further developed by David Schnarch.
Schnarch described the adult ambition to have both autonomy and attachment in ones life. This means the desire to be a whole, solid, individual, self while also desiring to develop close relationships with other whole, solid, individual selves. The struggle is to keep these two desires balanced. Being able to retain your sense of self while in a relationship is differentiation (Schnarch, 2011). Becoming a differentiated person helps to avoid becoming enmeshed with your significant other.
Enmeshment occurs when individuals in a couple or family push the boundaries of the others’ individual self. They expect the other to change who they are to accommodate the group; they expect unity and loyalty, and they feel threatened by expressions of a strong sense of self (Walsh, 2010).
This could look like someone expecting their partner to eat the same food, like the same music and movies, and have the same desires for free time. Becoming one as a couple is taken too literally and there is no room for each person to be an individual self, without tensions occurring.
Videos
Watch the following short videos to learn more about enmeshment, detachment, and interdependence.
Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist who works to share information and new skills with people through her business, Therapy in a Nutshell (2018).
Enmeshment
Detachment
Interdependence
PAUSE
& REFLECT
- Think for a minute and see if you can identify enmeshed, detached, or interdependent behaviors in your relationships.
- Is there an area you want or need to improve in?
What step will you take this week to
practice differentiation and interdependence?
Elements of Maturity: The Four Points of Balance
Researcher David Schnarch (2012) gives these four points of balance as elements of maturity to help develop a differentiated self.
- Live in alignment with your deeply held personal values and goals.
- Take responsibility for your own emotional life. Process your emotional bruises yourself.
- Regulate your emotions in ways that help you to not overreact when difficult situations occur.
- Be patient and persevere toward your goals when adversity and disappointments come.
The efforts you put into becoming a differentiated self and finding balance in these four areas will increase your resiliency and adaptability in all areas of your life!
Now that you understand a little more about healthy forms of attachment and the importance of developing a strong and healthy sense of self, let's move on to how you can develop into the person you truly want to be!