Emotional Regulation
Learning to recognize, understand, and process our emotions in healthy ways is part of becoming an authentic and differentiated adult. As we progress in life, we will face new challenges and stressors.
Entering into a romantic relationship will be easy at first, however, with time you will face relationship bumps. Practicing and becoming skilled at emotional regulation will help you feel better physically and emotionally, and it will improve your chances of successfully handling future relationships and potential parenting frustrations.
Two commonly known methods to regulate emotions are:
Expressive Suppression
Expressive suppression means that we bottle up our feelings or push them down. The discomfort of feelings and emotions makes us so uncomfortable that we refuse to feel them or address them. This method does work, however eventually our bottled in emotions might blow up to the surface in an accentuated angry outburst. Experiencing these emotional ups and downs, instead of processing emotions as they come, leads to decreased well-being and optimism and increased negative emotions (Mouatsou & Koutra, 2021).
Cognitive Reappraisal
Cognitive reappraisal means that we put the work in to think about things that emotionally upset us in a different way. We choose to be curious and not make assumptions about what the feelings or triggers mean. Doing this allows us to keep our emotional upsets more even and stable.
When we put effort into reinterpreting upsetting situations in less negative ways, we are training our brain to not always see things in such a negative way, which increases our ability to adapt emotionally and be resilient. Using cognitive reappraisal leads to improved self-trust, belief in one’s own competence, and more secure relationships (Mouatsou & Koutra, 2021).
Self-Compassion
One way we can reappraise our emotions and upsetting experiences is through self-compassion. Research psychologist Kristin Neff describes the 3 main parts of self-compassion. First is self-kindness instead of self-judgement, second is a sense of common humanity instead of isolation, and third is mindfulness instead of overidentification (Neff, 2009).
Self-compassion aims to soothe ourselves and extend understanding and acceptance for where we struggle or mistakes that we make. When we acknowledge that all of humanity struggles, it broadens our view of ourselves and the world around us. Overidentification is linked to repeatedly thinking about our mistakes and perceived faults, also called rumination, which increases our negative thought processes. Mindfulness is a practice to help us slow and curate our thoughts in more intentional ways, to become more positive.
When we learn to practice self-compassion, we will see “increased feelings of happiness, optimism, curiosity, and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, rumination, and fear of failure (Neff, 2009).”
Additionally, Neff found that those with self-compassion are more resilient, more willing to admit mistakes and try again, have higher feelings of self-worth, compare themselves less, ruminate less, and have higher emotional intelligence (2009).
With a list like that, why wouldn’t we want to give self-compassion a try!
Tying emotional regulation back into our core values, here are some helpful reminders from Susan David (2017):
“Emotions are data, not directives.”
“Don’t race to emotional exits. Learn from it. What are you feeling? What action will take you towards your values?”
Emotions help us to identify our values, and our values help us to handle our emotions and respond to life’s hurdles in more satisfying ways.