Relationship Red Flags
Clinical psychologist Dr. Joseph M. Carver (2003) assembled the following indicators or warnings to look for in a potential partner. We should remember that there will always be differences between individuals and that conflict can help couples negotiate differences.
Dr. Carver sought to illustrate character traits that may be harder to work through in a relationship. As you read these, remember that knowledge is power! If you recognize yourself in any of them do not despair. You can make choices to change and become a better person! We can retrain our brain and behave our way into a better life!
Warning Signs
(Carver, 2003)
- Rough treatment – physically, verbally, or emotionally
- Quick attachment – expresses love very quickly, wants the relationship to move fast
- Frightening temper – they blow up, drive fast when they are mad, break or throw things, initiate fights -Showing you their violent side is a way of intimidating you and exerting control
- Kills your self-confidence- They put you down, correct you often, and act like they are smarter than you.
- Cuts you off from support – They complain when family wants your time or attention and you begin to decrease communication with them.
- Mean and sweet cycle- They are mean to chip away at your confidence, then sweet to make up for it. It is a cycle that is damaging and controlling.
- Makes everything your fault- They blame you when they are mad, they don’t take personal responsibility for their own behavior.
- Panics during a breakup- If you try to breakup, they cry, beg, make promises to change, offer gifts, or even threaten to harm themselves.
- Have no outside interests- They want you to give up your interests, hobbies, and external activities. They insist on going with you and prevent you form enjoying anything with or without them.
- Exerts paranoid control over you or the relationship- They track where you are and who you interact with. They interrogate you if you have spoken to someone of the opposite sex. They are hypervigilant in looking for any sign that you are not fully committed to them.
- Public Embarrassment- To exert control, they call you names or intentionally embarrass you in public. You eventually say and do nothing in public.
- You are never enough- You never meet their expectations, and they do this to erode your self-esteem and confidence. Their goal is to make you think they are the only one who will tolerate you.
- Entitled- They blame everyone else for getting in their way, on the roadways and in life. They believe they are right, and they have the right to punish those who go against them, including you.
- Your friends and family dislike them- Other people in your life dislike your partner and have noticed a concerning change in you. They talk angrily and disrespectfully about people you value.
- Bad stories from their history- They reveal undesirable things in stories about their life without you that indicate how they treat or feel about others.
- The Waitress Test- They treat waitresses and other neutral people poorly. They may treat you well at first, but you can be sure they will eventually treat you how they treat these neutral people.
- Their Reputation- They have multiple reputations. One, they try to get you to see through bragging, and another you gather from other people they interact with. If they are not consistent in their personality and behavior, or if you find their external reputation if different from how they show themself to you, this is a warning of their true character.
- Walking on Eggshells- After consistent intimidation, tantrums, hyper-vigilance, and possible violence and threats from them, you become very cautious to not trigger any issues with them.
- Discount others feelings and opinions- They believe only their feelings and opinions matter, and they impose them on you. If you or others disagree with them, they react with hostility and rage.
- Turn you into the “crazy” one - Their controlling behavior leads you to do things that make you look crazy. Before they arrive home, you may check that you haven’t left anything out that will make them suspicious and let family and friends know not to text or call you from that point on in the day. When out you try not to go places where you will run into people you know or tell others not to bring up certain topics when in conversation with them. “...remember that there is no such thing as ‘normal behavior’ in a combat situation (Carver, 2003).”
Now that you can recognize red flags in a relationship, we can move on to more pleasant and helpful relationship education!