Gottman Relationship Wisdom
John and Julie Gottman are a couple who have put their studies into their own relationship. (Side note: two doctors who study marriage, what a real power couple). You may have heard of the people who could predict accurately, over 90% of the time if a couple would get divorced; these are those relationship researchers.
They found in their research that there were aspects of arguments that often made it difficult to have a healthy and productive conversation.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Watch this video and ask yourself, is this you? Do you do this in arguments? With your romantic partner or others?
Review time:
Criticism (Why can’t you do anything right?)
Contempt (You’re just so worthless.)
Defensiveness (I’ve never done that in my life. You do that all the time!)
Stonewalling (*looks off into the distance with no intention to respond*)
These can ruin your relationship. Everyone has an argument style and unhealthy habits; it is how we go about fixing them that matters most.
You need to find ways to beat the relationship horsemen of the apocalypse. When feeling like you’re going to criticize your partner ask yourself,
“Is this productive? Or am I only going to hurt my partner?”
Turning Toward
Do you ever need someone’s attention, and they just aren’t giving it to you? How would this work in a relationship? In media we often see that women are presented as being mad but not saying anything about it. Or, men are just trying to please the woman by not sharing their thoughts. Do you see how this makes a relationship a one-way street?
This is not a way of turning towards one another to solve something, rather it is allowing the couple to turn away from one another. Do not let the media teach you bad habits. It is not worth it. Do you want to be confused about why someone is mad at you all the time? Think back to the four horsemen, how hard is it to turn to someone when they are criticizing you?
If someone says, “You are horrible at helping me!” that makes it really hard for your partner to know how to help.
What feedback does that really show to our partner?
If you felt this way, you could you try saying, “can you please give me a hug?” or “I am really stressed right now, could you help me by doing the dishes please?”
See how instead of simply saying, “You don’t get me!” you have now turned towards your partner and invited them to be there with you instead of fighting against you?
When we take a minute to bring something up in a more effective way, we can save ourselves from having a long argument for the rest of the day. We can now move forward with our day in a more productive way.
Personal Story:
Let’s focus on my faults for a minute. (Side note: I, McKaylee, do not include stories too much about my husband’s faults because he is not here to defend himself.)
I can have an anxious attachment style at times. At the same time, when it comes to arguments, I naturally want to flee. This is not really what I want to do since I know I love my husband so much, although my brain panics way too fast. So, what do I do? Well, I take a minute and realize I am not fighting against him. Running away is fighting against him. I want to find a solution with him. I work to calm down, and I reevaluate my thoughts and actions.
5 to 1 Positive to Negative Interactions
The Gottman’s have another great idea to maintain a satisfying relationship.
For every 1 negative interaction, there should be 5 positive interactions.
When you are in an argument, it can turn very quickly into an unloading of what the other person or you are lacking. However, when we learn how to turn towards each other and to start saying positive reinforcements, it opens us up to have a better understanding of each other.
Try holding your partner’s hand in an argument or even laughing together at an appropriate time about how silly you both are being.
Even when we are not in an argument, we need to look at one another and do more good than bad for one another.
By trying to take out the trash or do the dishes or pick up a treat for them, we can build a stronger foundation of positive interactions. Similarly, when we have a warm and positive tone, and avoid the four horsemen we also help to increase positive interactions and build a stronger foundation.