Love Languages
Many of you might have heard of your love language, or how you feel most loved. Gary Chapman (Bradley, 2024) noticed that there were multiple similarities in how people felt loved. He noticed patterns that showed forms of love and called them love languages. This discovery helped to revolutionize how people started to look at giving and receiving love.
Catherine E. Toth (2005) shared in her research paper that Chapman, in his book, said that we give or receive love through:
Words of Affirmation
Quality time
Gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch
One may argue that we need all of these at varying times, and that is true. However, there is usually a more predominant one or two love languages that help someone feel loved and valued.
It is important to remember that
“...in order for [partners] to convey their love to each other, they must act in line with the [partners] expectations by knowing each other’s love languages (Ince & Isick, 2022).”
Ince & Isik also cite Chapman, sharing that
“...conveying ‘love’ to a romantic partner in line with the partner’s expectations increases the satisfaction in the romantic relationship (2022).”
Personal Story:
My husband lived in the Philippines for about 8 months a couple years ago. He said that it was very normal for people to see him walking down the street and offer him food they had made. My husband jokes that eating out is not an option there; eating at a stranger's house is better.
So, what does this have to do with love languages? Well, think of your partner or yourself for a minute. Think back to the time you felt most loved. What was happening there? Did you receive a gift? Did you get words of affirmation? Did someone help you with something?
Is your love language physical touch but your partner’s words of affirmation?
Never fear! Here are some ideas to help you understand one another.
Touch! This may sound obvious but give them a hug, hold their hand, kiss them, and even cuddle.
When you get in an argument, make sure to hold their hand to help them feel seen.
If they are sad, give them a hug. It might feel foreign to you if you are a gift giver. Keep at it and comfort will increase.
Isn’t that the best part of relationships? To be able to learn how to be there for someone other than yourself! If you are a gift giver, try to give them something they can touch or smell that reminds them of you. This will help balance out ways to be there for them.
This does not just mean commenting on their Instagram. Toth talks about how Tam would leave little love notes in their partner’s lunch (2005).
So, leave that little love note in the car, in their lunch box, or even just send them a heartfelt text.
Tell them how much you appreciate them or compliment them.
The more we learn how to work with our partner, the more we are able to blossom our relationships.
Have you seen how stressed your acts of service partner is? Often, they are the people who try to do it all.
You can try to take tasks off their minds. Try making them breakfast or doing the dishes.
Do whatever comes to mind when you think “how can I lighten their load?” and then do it!
As you get to know your partner, you will know what is most important and helpful to them.
Get off that shiny rectangle you call a phone. There are so many times people forget that quality time is important for everyone to experience. Phones are cool in their own dedicated time. Although, when you are with your quality time partner, phone use will create distance.
Have a basket or drawer that phones and iPads spend some time in, so they will not become a distraction from building the relationships you really want to build. Try to plan dates and times where you can just be with your partner.
What other things might distract us when we are with our partner? As we learned about being good listeners, we need to focus our thoughts and minds toward our partner and the activity you are choosing to spend time doing with them.
Who doesn’t love gifts?
Those who value gifts love when you buy that thing they mentioned one time at the store.
That can be hard to pay attention to and remember. However, try to write down a list on your phone of things they want when they say it. It will be your own personal partner cheat sheet. You can put down their clothing sizes, and color, scent, and flavor preferences. You can write down their preferred orders at restaurants, favorite snacks and treats, and so much more.
Pay attention to what they like when you are with them and then make note of it on your cheat sheet. Or just surprise them with anything! It does not have to be overly pricey or anything crazy just let them know you think about them.
In relationships, we need to make sure to learn how we prefer to receive love and how our partner wants us to show love.
Each of the five love languages is nice and important to give and receive. We do not tend to choose which ones help us to feel the most loved, it is just part of who we are.
This means that you must learn about your partner and what helps them to feel loved. We can also help our partner know us by sharing the ways we most feel loved by them. We are constantly going to be learning how to work together, and we must not try to form our partner into who we think they need to be.
Keep in mind that understanding love languages is just one way of viewing how to love.
The intimacy needed for relationships runs deeper than focusing solely on love languages. It is a good starting point for beginning to understand and know your partner better but do not stop there!