Love Types
Many people think that passion and deep attraction are the same as love and that they are a requirement for a romantic relationship.
Passion can be described as a preoccupation and intense longing for union with a particular person (Lauer & Lauer, 2012). The reality is that, although relationships tend to start with the focus of passion, passion is an unsustainable feeling for a long-term relationship.
The high level of emotion, desire, and idealizing, impacts a person's appetite, focus, and sleep, and has sometimes been compared to the highs of taking illicit drugs. A person simply cannot live a functional life in a constant state of attraction and passion. This higher consumption of time, energy, and diversion that passion causes will reduce in the first 1-2 years of a new relationship.
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So, what comes next? Passion does not disappear if couples do not let it. In a healthy relationship there will be ebbs and flows of passion.
Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love
Robert J. Sternberg was quoted by Lauer and Lauer, citing his Triangular Theory of Love (2012).
The three points of the triangle include Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment/Decision.
In the relationship building process you increase in intimacy or knowing one another closely.
Passion is the early attraction that tempers with time but is still essential to the relationship.
To complete the triangle, you need to decide to love and commit to maintain the love, intimacy, and passion.
When all three exist in your relationship, it is the most desired form.
The type of love this triangle represents is consummate love.
Remember though, attaining it does not guarantee maintaining it (Lauer & Lauer, 2012) and we will talk later in this lesson about how to do just that!
Other types of love have varying levels of each point of the triangle:
This relationship is driven primarily by passion and physical attraction. It has no commitment and is short lived (6 weeks to 6 months), but it can lead a person to think they are falling in love.
This relationship has commitment with no passion.
It may have been present but is not any longer, and the two do not have much feeling for each other, nor do they share much with each other.
They stay in this relationship out of religious commitment, convenience, or family or economic pressure.
This relationship has passion and intimacy but lacks the commitment between partners that is needed to last.
This relationship has passion and commitment but lacks the intimacy to help it last.
It is often unstable because there is no deeper knowing of the other (or self-disclosure), to balance out the passion.
This relationship is committed and has intimacy but no passion.
It could be viewed as a long-term friendship.
In terms of a martial relationship, this is not ideal; passion is still needed to reach the consummate form of love.
Love Test
Can you respond positively to the following? (Lauer & Lauer, 2012)
The ultimate test is time.
As time passes in your relationship, can you still respond positively to the questions?
If yes, then you have likely fallen in love!
