Covert Contracts
Covert contracts aren’t quite how they sound. They are unintentional or societally created conditions and assumptions people in a relationship may make about how things will go and how responsibilities will be divided. They are also referred to as private contracts.
Many couples are not aware these even exist and never had the opportunity to identify and discuss them prior to marriage. This may be the most powerful information we share with you because it empowers you to gain understanding of your partner and prospective future in ways that help you make wise, prepared, and intentional decisions.
Once covert contracts are brought into the open, a couple can discuss them, understand each other's beliefs, expectations and positions, and work to compromise and plan how things will be once they are married.
We naturally are handed down certain implicit expectations and traditions from previous generations and society. We don’t want to find ourselves stuck in a system that we did not intend to be in.
Egalitarian relationships are ones where responsibilities are discussed and divided in intentional ways based on each partner's abilities and willingness.
They are not necessarily equal, meaning divided exactly 50/50 in responsibility, they are equitable, meaning no partner is being taken advantage of and each is contributing in the ways they have discussed and agree are right for them.
Egalitarian relationships are also where the most satisfying marriages grow from (Lauer & Lauer, 2012).
As you may suspect, many of the covert contracts fall into gendered norms that have been passed down through society and religion that favor traditional roles and not egalitarian ways. These need to be discussed and intentionally decided upon to help avoid building resentment toward one another.
Knowing what to discuss prior to marriage is extremely helpful, but how do you identify areas you may have failed to plan ahead for?
As you move through life together pay attention to times you feel resentment or frustration towards your partner or you feel disappointed. These feelings are clues about areas you actually feel are not equal or fair. As these things come up, pause and reflect on the feelings to identify the true source, then negotiate change by bringing it up with your partner and going through the process of understanding each other and reaching a compromise with a new way of functioning together.
The following are important topics to discuss with your partner, prior to committing to marriage:
Topics to Discuss Prior To Marriage
(Lauer & Lauer, 2012)
- Will the wife take the husband's last name?
- How will the innate household labor be divided?
-Cooking, planning, shopping, cleaning, washing, home repairs, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tasks, appointments, etc. - Children-
- How many?
- When?
- How will they be taught? Educated? Corrected?
- How will and what religion will be taught? - Contraception/ Birth Control
- What kind
- For whom
- How long - Division of childcare responsibilities?
- Care, nurture, education
- Who will inventory needs?
- Who will plan, schedule, prepare for appointments, education, sports, etc.? - Housing?
- Where?
- What Type?
- How close to extended family?
- Rent or buy? - Who will follow/ move for whose career?
- Will there be a primary earner? Who?
- Financial decision methods?
- Financial Priorities?
- Who pays the bills?
- How are money and savings prioritized? - Relationship with in-laws? Vacations with extended family?
- Leisure- How much? Together or separate? What kind?
- Are there expectations around physical intimacy?
- How will this contact be assessed, changed over time? - Religious observance, sabbath, tithes, volunteer time?
Ideally, these questions will help you learn more about each other and clear up some unknown covert contracts.
Hopefully these questions have also helped you think of some other topics that need to be discussed so that you both can move forward in commitment with as much understanding as possible.