Communication Skills
As mentioned in the introduction to this lesson, there are verbal and non-verbal methods of communicating.
“One cannot not communicate."
(Watzlawick, 2011)
How and what we communicate can build trust in a relationship. When a partner is able to have confidence in us to act in ways that will benefit the relationship, and when both individuals are willing to be vulnerable in sharing more about themselves, increased understanding of feelings and experiences is possible (Forbush et al, 2025). Forbush et al. (2025) also noted that “quality communication and a high degree of trust are essential for a relationship to thrive.”
Listening
To achieve interpersonal, or between person, communication we need to become skilled at both sending out communication (verbal and non-verbal information) and receiving communication from others. We receive communication primarily by listening!
Listening means focusing on the words, tone, and non-verbal information someone else is sending out and striving to understand the meaning behind that information.
You may have had the experience of reading a paragraph or whole page in a book and realizing after that you do not know what you just read. Yes, you read the words, but you did not comprehend the meanings. This is likely because your mind was thinking about something else. This same thing can happen when we listen. We may appear to be listening, but our mind is somewhere else, and we do not comprehend or truly receive the communication that is being sent our way.
Poor Listening Styles
Lauer and Lauer (2012) describe some ways that people struggle to listen.
As you read these, think about which ones you might struggle with.
This person might be worried they will forget what they wanted to say in response, or they may care more about what they have to say than the person they are listening to, so they interrupt. This means they never fully understand the other person because they have cut them off.
This person struggles to pick up on non-verbal communication and tone that indicates the senders' emotions. They take the words at face value and analyze them.
This person wants to please the other so much that they spend time thinking of what they can say to get the other person to like them. They may agree with the other person even if they don’t actually agree with them.
This person is thinking more about themself. They try to make sure that their responses make sense, make them look good, and/or impress the other person. This distracts them from focusing on the sender's message.
If you have noticed yourself in any of these listeners, don’t worry!
We can learn how to be better listeners with some effort and practice.
Knowledge is power and now that you are aware of these styles, you will catch yourself more quickly when you are using one and you will be able to choose more intentionally to improve your quality of listening.
Improving Listening Skills
Lauer and Lauer (2012) didn’t leave us to be stuck as poor listeners. Here are ways to improve your listening skills
Distractions are all around us, in our minds and the environment around us. It is common for us to be off in our own heads, but we need to remind ourselves to turn off our own thoughts and focus on what is being shared with us.
Sometimes the things we hear might upset us or make us anxious to respond. We may start forming our response in our head and stop actually listening. It is ok to give them the time and space to fully communicate, and it is okay for you to take some time when they are done to formulate your thoughts and response.
Ask questions to clarify your understanding and check for the meanings and feelings that you perceive are being shared. Rephrasing what they have shared is a way of reflecting your understanding back.
Giving a longer summary at times can be helpful. It is another way to check for understanding.
The more you practice the more you will help to enhance the depth and quality of your relationships.
Self-Disclosure
A primary method of getting to know someone is by participating in shared self-disclosure. Relationships will stay at an acquaintance level until we share things about ourselves and ask others to share about themselves.
Lauer and Lauer (2012) describe self-disclosure as an honest revealing of oneself to another person. When we use self-disclosure to strengthen a romantic relationship, it is done cautiously, but the rewards are great. Opening up to each other helps to shape and grow relationships. There are four main types of self-disclosure:
- Sharing emotions
- Sharing needs
- Sharing thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, dreams, and goals
- Sharing how you feel about yourself, or your self-awareness
As you practice self-disclosure, you will be participating in a process that creates increased intimacy or closeness. As your closeness grows, it will open the door to deeper and more connection building self-disclosures.
When people are open and honest early in their relationship, they feel more compatible and are more likely to stay together and their trust and satisfaction with each other increases.
Something to keep in mind as you share thoughts and feelings is to understand that the destructive impact of sharing negative feelings is much greater than the constructive, or strengthening, impact of communicating positive feelings. Be sure to use caution and make focused efforts to express appreciation to, compliment and affirm the value of your partner to them. (Lauer & Lauer, 2012).
Assertiveness
It is worth noting that assertiveness has been found to benefit relationship communication and problem-solving (Xia et al., 2018). To be assertive means you have the ability to directly and respectfully advocate for your needs in a relationship in a way that does not blame or threaten others. This helps you to get more of your needs met.
Being assertive is something that can be practiced and will help give you more social support because people will understand your needs or desires more clearly. As we move next to learning about conflict, remember that being assertive, when done poorly, can lead to conflict. This is why practice is critically important!