Conflict
Power, the Source of Conflict
Often when we are on the outside looking in, we can see where power is lying within other people’s relationships. However, what is the definition of power within a relationship? Why is it important to understand?
According to Lauer & Lauer (2012, pp. 216) power within relationships is “to get someone to think or feel or act in a way that he or she would not have done spontaneously.” This sounds a lot like manipulation, doesn’t it? So, does that mean power within relationships is a negative thing? It is something that needs to be balanced (symmetrical) and not heavy on one side or the other (complementary). All relationships have some sort of power within their relationship. We often hear the phrase” power couple” when a couple is powerful within their careers or just get things done in an efficient manner.
Let’s try to become a healthy, symmetrical “power couple”. When a relationship has equal power between the two, it helps the couple move forward in a way where they are actively working together. However, when that balance leans a little too much on one or the other side it can lead to conflict. It does not mean that the relationship is doomed; it’s just now a topic they need to find a way to communicate and reevaluate together. At the end of the day, you are two individual people who are figuring out how to work together as one.
There are three different types of power within relationships and conflict which are: coercive power, reward power, and informational power.
Coercive Power – This is a type of power used with the threat of punishment to get someone to do something.
Reward Power - When we give someone a reward to influence them.
Informational Power – Using pros and cons arguments to influence someone’s best interests.
When we argue, power interactions can either be symmetrical or complementary. When we get in an argument, does it feel like we’re dominating the conversation or are we talking together?
Here are the types of power interaction
- Competitive Symmetry- Both are fighting to be the one more angered.
- Neutralized Symmetry- Respect for both persons and try to give control to each other. No one is fully dominating the conversation or conflict.
- Submissive Symmetry- Both partners give equal control over the other one.
- Complementary interaction- One takes the reigns and the other follows
Argumentative Styles
Before we get into a long-term relationship, we have a unique experience of learning about ourselves. How would you argue with you? What is the most annoying thing you do? Try to understand what the other person is seeing and have compassion towards yourself and them. We need to make sure to be willing to be humble enough to work towards new behaviors.
Take a moment to take this quiz...
Personal Story:
When my husband and I (McKaylee) get into arguments, I naturally want to avoid, run away, and shut down. Some may blame their parents for how they were raised, but I am just naturally a sheepish person. I hated getting in trouble as a kid. My husband is a fighter, and he wants to figure it out in the moment. I do not. I want to write it out and think. But you said you guys work? Surprising, right? We learned the hard way to work with each other and not against each other. We figured it out, but it was rough at first. I was the main problem. I did not know if what I was doing was toxic or even if I was wrong. Now I know. I have learned a great deal about humility. I have to remind myself as well that I cannot control others however I can control how I react. I can control how I move forward from that argument. Remind yourself of this. It will allow you to change.
Before you get into a relationship or even if you are in one, get to know you. Get to know how you argue so you can prepare to know how to work WITH someone and not against them. Get to know the things you need to take care of within yourself. Learn how to take care of others. Learn you.
PAUSE
& REFLECT
Take a moment and determine what stresses you out and what helps you manage your stress and emotions. Practice ways to calm yourself down, such as taking a walk, listening to music, or taking some calming breaths.
As you practice calming yourself now, it will help when conflict arises. You will be able to return to rationality more quickly when you become upset. Never be afraid to reevaluate or try new methods.
Styles of Conflict
Lauer and Lauer talk about many different styles of conflict. What creates it and what it is. Understanding these will allow you to be able to understand what kind of conflict you may find yourself in.
Much like competitive symmetry, this is where you might be highly concerned about your own needs and no other needs.
Where one tries to just hurry and make everyone happy. They don’t care much about their feelings or other people’s feelings.
When the person does not argue for their needs to be seen but goes along with the “interests of the other,” (Lauer & Lauer, 2012, pp. 228) or to just “give in.”
Where both partners in the argument find a way to incorporate both interests in some way.
Both concerns are highly important to the conversation, but no one gives in. However, it is argued to be the best form of conflict when collaboration is possible.
How should we argue then? Get some quality advice from Dr. Gottman:
Understanding how to argue is much better than repeating the same unhealthy behaviors.
The Gottmans got asked what couples typically argue about and they responded with, "nothing.”
Maybe next time you find yourself in an argument ask yourself, is this something? Is this nothing? What does my partner need from me right now?
Resolving Conflict
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman (2015, pp. 62), he brings up a new model for figuring out conflict in a productive way. He states to do this,